Learning to accept what is

I am a master of procrastination.  I know that I must finish a project for work tonight and instead I'd rather update my blog.  I suppose I need to strike while the iron is hot!  My son and I have been house sitting and it has been absolutely glorious.  The house has incredible energy and I am inspired to go back home and create a sanctuary that envelopes me with love.  I realize that although I seem to think that I am positive person, I can often have very negative subconscious self talk that make me question my self worth.  I was confronted by a very sad week that sort of spiraled with negative thoughts.  All of a sudden I was reminded that I am the queen of overcoming all obstacles that come my way.  I have always been up for the challenge and succeeded at whatever I put my mind to.  Sometimes it is easy to forget this when we are down on ourselves.  We are constantly hearing that we need to practice the art of self love yet there is no specific road map.  We often confuse self care like getting a massage and pedicure as self love and they are not exactly the same thing.  I think that a huge of part of self love is learning to forgive ourselves and forgive others.  I am still a work in progress when it comes to forgiveness.  I sure do know how to hold a grudge!  Little by little I learning to build on the tools I lacked learning as a child.  I am looking forward to building my tool kit!

New year, new me!

At the end of 2012, I read a horoscope for the new year that literally blew my mind.  It said that 2013 would be a year of great change and of facing my fears.  I thought I had done pretty good in 2012 by learning how to finally ride a bike.  The horoscope reminded me that there were still a few more things to conquer in 2013.  First on the list and a topic that I have written about before, my fear of writing.  Early this week I met with sexy grammarian,  Kristy Lin Billuni, a writing coach/writing psychotherapist extraordinaire based in lovely San Francisco.  In our hour long session, which flew by entirely too quickly, she gave me some amazing tips on how to overcome my fear and to get writing again.  My first and most important homework assignment requires me to write everyday without the fear of being criticized or edited.  This assignment is what has led me back to my trusty underutilized blog. 

Kristy suggested that I allow the creative part of myself the freedom to write without being judged and then provide the critical part of myself the time it needs to present my work to the world.  So far it has been working out well.  I find that I have less fear when I know that I am allowed to be free and not care about how perfect it is.  My daily writing was tough at first because I was not sure what to even write about.  Then I realized that the subject was not the important part of the exercise.  I am excited to see where this new practice will take me!

"Wait! I was just getting started Papi!"

My best friend Estrella and I were having a ball in a Palo Alto parking lot when my dad screamed that it was time to go home. My sister was in need of a computer part that could only be bought in Silicon Valley. This was way before the days of online shopping and instant shipping gratification. I convinced my dad that the ride to Palo Alto warranted bringing a friend along for the ride.

I knew that we would be bored so I brought my coveted bright yellow Sony portable tape player. We were preteens at the time and we thought it was so cool. It was the 80's and loud colors were all the rage. We arrived in Palo Alto and Estrella and I made a beeline for the parking lot. Since there was no one in sight we decided to have a little fun. I perched the yellow boom box on my right shoulder and hit play. "Need you tonight" by INXS blared from my shoulders and Estrella and I strutted all over the parking lot with not a care in the world. We sang and danced like we were the only two people in the world.

Just as we were really getting into it my dad was yelling at us to get in the car and stop being so silly. Estrella and I burst into a fit of giggles and got in the car. All the way home we grinned from ear to ear laughing about our parking lot adventure.

Even though it has been more than 20 years, I still smile when I think of this happy memory!

- This is a short story that I submitted to my weekly writing group.  It is one of my favorites.  I loved it so much that I just had to share here too!

My Overwhelming Fear of Writing

Writing scares me.  It feels so permanent and it just plain scares the living heck out of me.  Years ago when I attended City College, my first year English teacher told me that I was a terrible writer.  From that point on I was afraid of writing.  I never felt that it was good enough.  Before that I had no problem expressing myself.  I knew I wasn't the best, but I felt decent.  Once the fear kicked in I started to fear all things associated with writing, especially grammar.  This year I am working hard to tackle my fear.  Even though my grammar is not great, I am putting myself out there and starting to write more.  I am going to stop being afraid of being judged and even better I am going to have more compassion for myself..my worst critic! I even started being a part of a writing club sharing my writing with complete strangers! Gasp! All of this writing is inspiring me to do more writing.  I have also decided to make the leap and go back to grad school to pursue my doctorate in Public Health.  I figured that this would be a good time to get my writing fears dealt with.  Just taking the time to write this is a big step in the right direction.  I hope that I continue on this journey of feeling uncomfortable and pushing my own boundaries.  Thank you for being a part of my writing journey!

Procrastinating on getting my 27 things a day together

I have been really obsessed with reading lately.  So much that it has been distracting me from getting together my 27 things a day.  Because of my procrastination I had to get 81 things together tonight. I almost didn't even want to get them together tonight but the thought of compiling 108 things was a little too overwhelming even for me.  So I started with a few items that needed to make it into the recycling bin and then I realized I could get some bang for my buck by going through the cutlery drawer and finally get rid of those cheap lime green plastic picnic ware that I bought years ago.  Then I thought what the heck...let me tackle that electronic cord drawer that I have been avoiding for months.  Before I knew it my 81 item allotment was complete.  The truth is that the game of getting rid of 27 things a day really is an incentive to get rid of stuff that I would normally hold onto longer without good reason.  My only worry is that in a month or two I might be looking for something that I need and not realized that it became a victim of my daily purge.  That is probably my fear talking because I know without a doubt that I will not miss those lime green picnic plastic ware!

Releasing 27 items a day for 27 days

Okay, so it has been a while since my last post!  I am happy to report that I have been continuing to work on being grateful for all my life has to offer even including the always not so great parts.  It is all a part of the journey.  The good and the bad.  I am coming to the basic realization that this is my life right now and it is the only one I have so I better appreciate it.  This who I am and if I don't learn how to truly accept myself then how can I ever expect to be happy.  It is always not nice to admit that I have a mean streak and even that needs to be embraced.  Everything about us is still us and the more we ignore the parts of us that we don't like the more they tend to rear their ugly head.

Since my last post my partner with the dog and I broke up.  I finally finished that thesis and my relationship with my 16 year old son continues to get better.  Part of accepting the life I have now includes accepting what my living situation is and making it a sanctuary.  On the first of June 2012 I decided to follow in the steps of a co-worker to release 27 items a day for 27 days with a one day break every 9th day.  So far so good.  Ask me again in 27 days!

The first day was a Friday and I spent a good chunk of time going through my closet and getting rid of items I no longer want or need.  27 items of clothing were not too hard to get rid of since I was still operating on a winter closet.  I found so many items that I had 27 extra for that Saturday and a few more items for Sunday.  On Sunday it started to get a little harder because I was not in the mood to do some serious organizing and purging.  I quickly went through the kitchen as I was cooking up dinner and found the rest of the items I needed for that day's 27.  Today is Monday and I decided to tackle my most difficult possession to part with...my books.

It is always easy at first.  The first 10 items are no problem but it gets harder and harder. I know in my heart that I will probably never read any of these books again but they hold such good memories that they are hard to part with.  I look over to all of my journals which I have been meaning to shred for some time but I realize I am not ready for that just yet.  I finally gather 27 items when I decide to go through a pile of papers and I realize that recycling papers can also be a part of my collection.  That alone should help me keep up with the 27 items a day for the next six months.  I wonder what I else I will learn to release as I give up these physical items.  I have to admit it feels good to release the things that no longer define me.  I look forward to more clarity as this process continues...

Day 6

The first few days of trying to have a happy outlook went swimmingly. That is until my dog got attacked by a stray pit bull yesterday morning. The initial shock got me pretty down. Luckily he just had a surface wound and a bruised side. It could have been worse. Thank goodness it wasn't. I started to feel down and it took me a good day and a half to get it back together to look at the brighter side of life. It made me realize how being in a sad or negative state really does influence so much of our lives. All of sudden I felt sad about a number of things. I started thinking about the thesis I have yet to finish for my degree, the lack of motivation I was feeling for a project I usually love and what a bad mother I am to my 13 year old son. I even started making bad food decisions. In the end crappy food never makes you feel better. Although it may for a split second when you are eating it....I almost always just feel even crappier when it is all said and done. So today despite the overwhelming feeling to crawl into bed and not come out for a few days, I decided to come to work and try it all again. Luckily my plan worked and by 4pm today I was patting myself on the back for all the things I have accomplished. This year has been life changing. I workout an average of 3-4 times a week and I no longer eat out like I used to. There was a time when I worked out about 3-4 times a month if I was lucky. I also used to spend a ridiculous amount of money eating out and buying things I didn't need just to fill a void. Instead of focusing on the fact that I have not lost weight or that my eating habits are not perfect I am deciding to focus on all that I have accomplished this year. Which gives me hope for what I can accomplish for the upcoming year if I just keep up what I am doing. Every little step counts!